Normally, at this time of year I am plotting and planning my next laser sharp, April Fool’s attack. Everyone has a favorite holiday. This was mine.
I speak in the past tense because I no longer celebrate the day. And by celebrate, I mean plotting, planning, and preparing at the level of the C.I.A. Then I would launch the attack upon my selected victim. People lived in fear that it was, “their year” or that they may have insulted/inspired me to lob a carefully laid trap their way. I’m talking about a level of creativity and planning unlike anything you can imagine. I, a woman with access to technology and a little time on my hands, can create a fictional scenario that sucks up the most careful of family and friends into my scheme and leaves them labeled the “April Fool.” A pastor who receives an invitation to join a nudist camp. My new nephew receiving notification that he was not truly married to my niece as the pastor’s license had expired. Oops! Or a young son receiving a note from his doctor that he has pin worms. (He had all the symptoms: pain in the butt.) My beloved daughter driving off to high school with 8 pair of XXL men’s boxers flowing out of the back of her trunk.
The best ploys were always against my sweet husband. (They renamed him Saint Bob). Over the years, he was recalled by the Army after 25 years to head to Iraq. Later, he was invoiced by the hospital for a missing sofa bed in his room, and more tricks and traps than you can imagine.
But it all came to a screeching halt just a couple of years ago. My victims always threatened retaliation. Ha! I scoffed, “this ain’t no amateur night!” I swore if anyone ever caught me, I would resign. Over the decades of mischief, I let my guard down. I became overconfident. And then it happened. AND IT WAS CHURCH-GIRLS WHO BROUGHT ME LOW! Involved in a church remodel of additional meeting rooms, I carefully planned and executed everything from paint to furniture to rugs. Until the Pastor sent word that “on a whim he would ask the painters to change my room color to orange,” he thought it more cheerful. I stared at the new photo of the room on my screen. I saw orange! My head spun, my ears reddened, my eyes blurred. What was he thinking? IF I would have spoken what I was thinking, all bets would have been off – and likely our church membership. But they began to laugh. Slowly, then loudly they explained it was a Sherwin Williams app that allowed them to show the room photo in another color as though it were already painted.
My evil deed days were at an end. My reign of fear canceled. No more fun.
Now I sit and think foolish thoughts here on my lanai.
